2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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