I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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