someone threw a dead crab at me
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
