hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
