Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
