How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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