Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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