Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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