Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
