I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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