so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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