Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
