oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Bring me that man meat
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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