when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
then he tried to convert me to islam
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
