i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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