She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
