I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
