I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
