in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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