You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
