I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
