Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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