P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
