i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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