If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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