Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
