why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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