You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize