We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
