i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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