Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
