why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Randomize
