My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
