Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
