We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
