First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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