i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
