Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
