I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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