My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
