I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
