Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I am naked and annoyed.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
