Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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