I am puke
My sheets look like a crime scene.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
