maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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