sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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