You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
