i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
