you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
