can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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