That's intense
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
