Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
