Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
