I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
