I wanna passion pit in your ass
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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