I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
