were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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